Dysfunction, rejection, abuse, and betrayal were the theme of my childhood and adolescent years. They unknowingly became the foundation that I built my belief system on. This foundation enabled the construction of the invisible prison that surrounded me. Depression, despair, guilt, shame, bitterness, resentment, and worthlessness were only a few of the bars that held me captive.
I carried this mindset into my adulthood, marriage, and motherhood. I turned to over-eating, over-spending, prescription medication and alcohol to avoid confronting the wounds in my soul.
4 months after my first child was born I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. The level of darkness that surrounded me got deeper. I turned to Antidepressants to manage the fear and terror. I had no idea I was in a spiritual battle. I was not myself and needed something to “fix” me. I had very little support at the time and definitely nobody speaking the truth in my life.
As bitterness began to boil out of me it led me to selfish actions, angry outbursts, and irrational decisions. The medicine helped just enough to bandage the gaping soul wounds that I had no idea were there.
AS THE PRESSURES OF MARRIAGE, MOTHERHOOD, AND CAREER BEGAN TO RISE, I STARTED TO CRUMBLE.
Nobody wants to face the pain of trauma. Our mind has a powerful way of protecting itself through repression. The type of sexual trauma that I endured could have killed me at 15 years old or at least I felt that I wanted to be dead.
I had walked around with this secret buried deep for 15 years. In high school, I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain as well as attempting suicide.
Those years were some of the darkest lonely years. Looking back, I realized God was always fighting for me and giving me a way out.
Working as a School Counselor with students who were sexually abused triggered my own personal trauma. I was holding on to a traumatic past that I had never faced while trying to balance marriage, career, and motherhood.
I was so scattered at work and in life that I went to the doctor to get on adderall. This seemed to make my days productive but by the evening I was a complete emotional disaster. This went on for 6 months until eventually everything repressed (sexual abuse) and suppressed came to the surface resulting in a complete mental breakdown.
In my brokenness, I called out to Jesus. I screamed, “Where are you?” I was confused and angry because I had been a praying , church attending christian that read the word.
I did not understand the pain/denial I was in. I wanted to have the victory that I saw in other Christians but didn’t realize I needed to be rescued from the prison that enslaved my soul.
For 3 days straight I relived the pain. I was in emotional and physical torture until I felt Jesus walk in the room. His presence was so Holy that I fell to the floor face down and began to confess all my sin.
I saw a vision of dark clouds surrounding him as he was carrying me he said, “I am carrying your soul out of hell”.
I am brought to tears as I type this remembering his saving power. His healing power and his burning love. It was that day that I felt the redeeming power of the blood of Christ. As I confessed my sin he took the hate, anger, bitterness, pain and replaced it with his Holy Spirit.
He destroyed the prison of darkness that consumed me. He comforted me, embraced me, held me, taught me, and wrote the truth on my heart. He held my broken mind and put it back together piece by piece.
For the first time in my life, I felt FREE! He gave me a new heart and a new spirit. He restored my marriage and gave me the desire, tools, and strength to become a better wife, mother, and woman.
He showed me that the false foundation I had been living on due to the pain of the past was destroyed. He set my feet on a new foundation and has been building me in the TRUTH ever since! I have been depression and medication free for over 7 years now!
He has walked me through the process of healing from sexual abuse and placed forgiveness in my heart towards my abuser. His plans really are good and true!
He has reconstructed my entire life since the day I broke. It has been a long journey, painful at times to heal from the unhealthy mindsets that I operated out of for so long. He has never left me and has fought for me the entire way.
The Reconstructed Woman was founded out of my personal journey, living in freedom motivated me to help other women. I am a living example that Change is possible with Christ!
He rescued me and wants to rescue you too!
I pray that Jesus will strengthen you with the courage to join me on the journey of becoming a reconstructed woman!